


Ten Sideways Glimpses

by JohnAmendAll



Category: Absolute Power (Radio), Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cyberpunk, Alternate Universe - Firefighters, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Harem, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Pirate, Alternate Universe - Police, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Alternate Universe - Space, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Western, Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-05-19 15:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 70
Words: 6,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5971234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnAmendAll/pseuds/JohnAmendAll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles from ten different alternate universes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wild West

**Author's Note:**

> From a Dreamwidth meme: Given a character / pairing, write snippets of ten specified alternate universes for it.
> 
> Prompt from [AllyHR](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AllyHR/): Eight and Lucie.

"Lucie!" Doc Smith looked up in surprise as his young friend appeared in the doorway. She had changed out of her dancer's costume into shirt, jeans and boots. "What are you still doing here? You know the Hulbert Gang's on their way." 

"Yeah, you said." Lucie perched on the corner of his workbench. "You're still here, aren't you?" 

"It's not me they're looking for. Lucie, if they catch up with you..." 

Lucie shook her head. "I can't keep running all me life. Best chance I've got is here with you. Be better if you actually had a gun, of course."


	2. Cyberpunk

Lucie ducked into an alleyway, pulling her leather jacket tight around her. The monowheel flashed past, but it seemed the rider hadn't noticed her. Glyphs flashed up in Lucie's eye implant, confirming what she already knew: that had been the Headhunter. And it was almost certainly Lucie's head she was after, too. The Corporation mightn't know exactly what was in there, but they knew they wanted it. 

With the Headhunter around, the streets obviously weren't safe. Resignedly, Lucie looked around for a manhole. If she was going to get to Rosto's hideout in time, it wouldn't be the easy way. 


	3. Shapeshifters

"Twice in a day?" Lucie demanded. "I'm gonna be completely knackered tomorrow." 

The Doctor held up his hands. "I know, I know, I know. But those guards will only open the gates on a direct order from the Queen. And since the real Queen isn't around..." 

"Got it." Lucie pulled off her clothes, and wriggled into the royal robes. "Here goes." 

The costume seemed to inflate, like a balloon filling with gas. Lucie's hair erupted into a profusion of ginger curls. 

"How do I look?" she asked. 

"Exactly like her." 

Lucie grimaced. "My bum's gonna look so big in this."


	4. Pirates

"Open this door in the name of King Ferdinand!" 

Lucie took one last look around the magazine, then at the smouldering fuse in her hand. With her injuries standing was out of the question, but she straightened her eyepatch. 

"Think you've won, don't you?" she shouted back. 

"Fort San Bernardo is now in our hands," the voice said. "All resistance is crushed." 

"And your whole fleet's in the harbour?" 

"Of course." 

"Great. See you all in hell, then." 

"Great?" the voice repeated, triumph vying with unease. "Who is this?" 

Lucie touched the fuse to the powder trail. "Lucie. Bleeding. Miller!" 


	5. ... In SPACE!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since just setting a story in space hardly counts as AU for _Doctor Who_ characters, I set my space AUs in different sci-fi universes.

"And who do you think you are?" 

"I'm your new assistant." The young woman put her hands on her hips. "Got a problem with that?" 

"I didn't ask for one." 

"Don't blame me, I was sent here." 

"Sent?" Doctor Smith repeated. "Who—" 

He broke off as a Vorlon glided into view behind the girl. She looked round, and jerked her thumb at the alien. 

"Hey," she said. "You. Tell him what I'm doing here." 

The Vorlon's translator medallion flickered. "Witness protection." 

"That isn't any sort of answer!" Doctor Smith protested. 

"No," the Vorlon agreed, turned, and left without another word. 


	6. Born Another Gender

"So you join _Max Warp_ as the Ferret's replacement," the Doctor explained. "Then you'll be our man on the inside." 

"Yeah." Luke didn't look entirely enthralled by the prospect. 

"Is there a problem?" 

"Apart from the last fella in the job getting killed in a spaceship crash?" 

The Doctor gave him an encouraging pat on the shoulder. "I'm sure you're up to all the banter and... you know... bloke talk. And you'll get to fly some amazing ships." 

"I know." Luke grimaced. "But they're both really old." 

"Really!" The Doctor tossed her head. "You think they're old. What about me?"


	7. Schoolfic

"You got a problem?" Lucie demanded. 

Paul wondered how he could put it tactfully. "I just... don't think we're best suited to play Beatrice and Benedick." 

"What, you think I ought to be Hero? Then Rose'd have to be Beatrice. It'd be terrible." 

"It'll be terrible anyway, I expect." 

"Come on, it's only a school play." Lucie punched him in the arm. "Look on the bright side, we could've been doing _Romeo and Juliet_ , and they end up dead. All we've got to do is snog a bit." 

_With Charlotte in the audience watching us_ , Paul thought. _Dying sounds preferable._


	8. Police/Firefighters

Detective Constable Miller was waiting outside Superintendent Straxus's office when the door banged open and Inspector Smith stumbled out. 

"What did he say?" she asked, though she'd got a good idea from all the shouting. 

"I'm off the case. You'll be reporting to Inspector Morbius for the duration." 

"No sodding way!" 

"I'm afraid so." He lowered his voice. "But I need you to play along with him. Just make sure you don't lose sight of Mr Sepulchre." 

Miller didn't look convinced. "You do know there's no evidence against him, don't you?" 

"That's what I'm counting on you to find, Miller." 


	9. Urban Fantasy

Lucie had been on her way to the Flamingo when her mobile rang. Her heart skipped a beat as she recognised the number. 

"Yeah?" she said. 

"Are you free?" a familiar Liverpool- accented voice said. 

"I am now. What's up?" 

"Trouble in Layton. Can you meet me at the station in thirty minutes?" 

"See you there. Hang on, it isn't golems again, is it?" 

"Well, I can't rule them out." He paused as Lucie let out a groan. "What's the matter with golems?" 

"Every time it's golems I end up all over mud. Guaranteed. And I'm wearing new clothes, too." 


	10. Harem

"It's my turn for the Doctor," Tamsin said firmly, pointing at the rota pinned to the wall. 

"You swapped with Charley last Monday," Grace countered. "So it's her—" 

The door opened, revealing the Doctor, accompanied by a beautiful young woman with huge dark eyes. 

"Hello everyone," he said. "This is Molly. She'll be staying with us pro tem. Oh, and I'll be taking her to the theatre tonight." 

The assembled housemates exchanged frustrated glances. 

Karen nudged Lucie. "Great, another one." 

"Yeah." Lucie scowled. "I'd only just got the rota sorted out, and now I've got to start all over again." 


	11. [Ben / Polly] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [lost_spook](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/) prompted for Ben/Polly. Though some of the resulting drabbles are more gen than shippy.

"Can't you keep out of trouble?" Ben demanded, as he dragged Polly clear of the quicksand. "I told you to stay back at Ruby's Gulch. Not come running along after me." 

"No, I can't." Immersion in quicksand had obviously not quenched Polly's spirit. From her bosom, she triumphantly produced a folded piece of cloth. "I found this in the Professor's desk. It's the map old Krimpton had!" 

"Then hand it over and go back to the Gulch." 

"Not a chance." 

"OK." Ben surrendered to the inevitable. "Should be this way." 

"No, that way. I'm the one with the map, partner." 


	12. Cyberpunk

"Not a sound." 

Polly backed against the wall of the lift, feeling the dampness of the man's overcoat pressing against her thin dress, and something cold and metallic at her neck. 

"You're still working for Professor Brett, aren't you? Nod once for yes." 

Polly nodded. 

"Doc needs something, and you can get it for us. WOTAN's boot tapes. Think you can find them?" 

"What if I can't?" Polly whispered. 

"Then you'll have to hope WOTAN looks after you. 'Cos no-one else'll have any say. I'll be here for them tomorrow." 

He turned; the lift doors opened, and he was gone. 


	13. Shapeshifters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of an AU in the 'canon divergence' sense.

It was three days after the rest of the Chameleons had left before the Time Lord came to their cell. 

"Michelle Leuppi," he said calmly. "And... Kevin, isn't it? You killed two people I was very fond of, and stole their shapes. So I made it a condition of the treaty that you would be given to me." 

"Killing us won't bring your friends back," Michelle said. 

"Oh, I know. And I'm not going to kill you." The Doctor thoughtfully glanced at the mirror on the wall. "But after the first thousand years or so, you may wish I had." 


	14. Pirates

Polly leaned over the rail of the poop deck, still retching even though she'd already thrown up what felt like the entire contents of her stomach. 

"You all right, duchess?" a voice asked. Polly recognised it as that of the tall, handsome pirate who'd kidnapped her — with her total approval — the night before. She turned to look at him, and realised that in the light of day he was blond, skinny, and shorter than her.

"I must look a sight," she said, mechanically wiping her mouth. "I thought being kidnapped by pirates would be romantic."

He shrugged. "Give it time." 


	15. ... In SPACE!!

Ben had been moodily downing his drink and reflecting that unless his luck turned, he wouldn't be able to afford too many more. He hadn't noticed the two strangers until they were almost at his table. 

"...You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy," the old man was saying, almost proprietorially. He cleared his throat. "We require passage to Trenco." 

Ben tried not to sound too eager. "That's for you and..." He looked again at the blonde girl and nearly spat out his drink. " _Princess Mariana_?" 

She put a finger to her lips. "Strictly incognito. Ssh!" 


	16. Born Another Gender

Ben looked around, to check they weren't in earshot of any of the moonbase crew. "How come everyone here thinks we're husband and... well, husband? That doesn't even make sense!" 

"It is the future," Paul pointed out. "Who knows what's legal by now?" 

"Legal's one thing. Doesn't mean I can get my head around it." 

"Pity." Paul flicked at his blond hair. "I was thinking maybe we could pop round to a registry office while we were here. Or do I get tied up and flogged for saying something like that?" 

Ben squeezed his hand. "Only if you're lucky, mate." 


	17. Schoolfic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H G Wells High School is rather a mutable establishment: it could be an English boarding school one day and an American public school the next. And the pupils are all too aware of this.

Ben gazed upon the blonde, pompom- brandishing vision of loveliness before him, and contrived to force out the word "Urk." 

"I know," Polly said. "I'm sure Wells High didn't even have a cheerleader squad this morning. Goodness knows what'll happen when we try to do our routine." 

"...Gnah." 

"Good luck with the game. Whatever it turns out to be." Polly looked at Ben's kit. "Looks as if it might be baseball. Mind you, in this place I wouldn't be surprised if it was Quidditch." 

She gave Ben a quick peck on the cheek, and hurried off. 

"...Eep," Ben eventually managed. 


	18. Police/Firefighters

Ben pulled the blanket closer around himself. "I'll never hear the end of this. I'm supposed to be putting fires out, not setting light to my own flat. Let alone both of us getting hauled out of there in the altogether. What'll everyone at the station think?" 

"'Their love it was so ardent that the bedclothes caught on fire,'" Polly sang. The blaze had not so much as dented her blissful mood. 

"It's not funny, Pol. Can't you tell them it wasn't what it looked like?" 

Polly gave him an innocent look. "But it was _exactly_ what it looked like." 


	19. Urban Fantasy

"Oh!" Ben did a double-take. "You've had your hair cut." 

"Nice that you noticed," Polly said. 

"It doesn't cause a problem? I mean, people can see your ears." 

Polly shook her head. "When all you humans are going round with tattoos and piercings — not to mention the werewolves and the sparkly vampires — nobody's going to look twice at a mere half-elf. And if it's really essential for me not to be noticed, I can wear a hat." 

"It's what they call a pixie cut, isn't it?" 

Polly nodded. "And you should see what the pixies charged for it." 


	20. Harem

"How are you coping?" Kitty asked, her tail twitching as she sipped her tea. "You always used to complain you couldn't meet any nice boys." 

"Now I've got three of them," Polly said. 

The catgirl counted on her fingers. "The Doctor. Ben. And..." 

"Jamie." Polly deliberately didn't look over her shoulder. "He's probably out there. Cute boy in a kilt." 

"I thought it was a skirt." Kitty giggled. "I wish I had problems like him." 

"You wouldn't say that if you had to live with all three of them." 

Kitty patted her on the shoulder. "You'll cope. You always do." 


	21. [Doctor / Romana] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [liadt](http://archiveofourown.org/users/liadt/) prompted for Doctor / Romana.

Romana leaned over the cliff and looked down. Far below on the canyon floor lay the shattered remains of Rorvik's wagon. His last cry of "I'm finally getting something done!" still seemed to echo among the rocks.

"It's over," Doc Smith's voice said beside her. 

Romana took a step back from the edge. "You know it's nothing of the sort. We've dealt with Rorvik, but how many other slavers are there still out there?" 

"You mean?" 

"I mean I'm going to stay in this town, Doctor. Biroc's people need me." 

The Doctor turned away. "You'll be superb," he said, choking. 


	22. Cyberpunk

"Some people would use the door," the hacker known only as BlueBoxIdiot remarked, as WarQueen clambered in through the window. 

"Only if they wanted to be seen." WarQueen shook herself, sending droplets of grimy water in all directions, then unzipped her catsuit and pulled out a small cactus in a pot. "The sniffer was on their network for an hour. Let's see what it got." 

She jacked it into a wall screen, and paged through lines of green text. 

"Last access to DODECAHEDRON before the compromise was three hours ago," she said. "Login details..." Her eyes widened. "They used yours!" 


	23. Shapeshifters

"You'd just better be the real Doctor this time," Romana said. 

The Doctor looked puzzled. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"You mean you didn't know? The Master's been going around looking like you." Romana lay back on the bed. "Didn't have as much stamina as the real you, though." 

"The Master? He was here?" 

Romana nodded. 

"What did he do to you?" 

"Nothing I couldn't handle. You should ask what happened to him." 

"Oh? And what did happen to him?" 

"He turned into a snake." She indicated a crushed mess of scales and slime on the floor. "It didn't help."


	24. Pirates

"BY DAVY JONES'S BEARD, MR FIBULI, WHEN WILL THAT RUDDER BE REPAIRED?" 

"He seems upset," Romana remarked, listening to the tirade echoing down the companionway. 

The Doctor nodded. "He usually does. Are you all right there? You look a little uncomfortable." 

"I've got an itch between my shoulders." Romana raised her manacled hands. "Can you reach it? I can't." 

"There?" 

Romana wriggled pleasurably. "That's much better. It almost makes up for the quarters and the rations..." 

"MR FIBULI! IF THAT CARPENTER IS NOT DONE BY SUNSET, HE SHALL HANG FROM THE MAINMAST BY HIS ENTRAILS!" 

"...And the company, of course."


	25. ... In SPACE!!

"This," the ship announced, "is your new recruit." 

"Pleased to meet you," the young woman said. "I'm Gallifrey-Kasterborusa Romana Frederica Trelundar dam Dvora." 

"Are you really? How terrible for you." The man extended a hand. "Welcome to Special Circumstances." 

"Of course, you don't have to call me that all the time." 

"No. If it was an emergency and I had to shout all that it would all be over before I'd got to your surname. I think we'd better just stick with 'Fred.'" 

Romana narrowed her eyes. "If you do, I'll have no option but to call you 'Basil.'"


	26. Born Another Gender

"Doctor," Fred said. "Do we really need to bother with this uncouth person?" 

Duggan bristled. "You're asking for a punch in the mouth." 

"I'm an expert in twelve martial arts. You wouldn't stand a chance." 

"Heard that before." Duggan raised his fists. "Time to put up or shut up." 

He launched himself at Fred, who retaliated in kind. 

The door opened. 

"Ah, Doctor. My apologies for the delay..." Count Scarlioni broke off at the sight of the brawl in progress. "Is something the matter?" 

"Oh, them?" the Doctor said, with a particularly toothy grin. "They're just establishing a working relationship."


	27. Schoolfic

Romana wriggled through the hole in the fence, then stood to one side as Tom crept in behind her. 

"The caretaker should have finished his rounds by now," she whispered. "All we've got to do is get back to our dormitories and tidy ourselves up." 

Tom nodded. "As long as Maxil isn't doing one of his surprise inspections we'll be home and dry." 

"Some people," Romana said, "would just tell the teacher they'd lost their exercise book. Not make elaborate plans to sneak out after dark and get a replacement." 

"Well, yes," Tom admitted. "But where's the fun in that?"


	28. Police/Firefighters

"Thought you ought to know," Sergeant Dvora said, as she breezed into the saloon of the _Empress_. "I've called in the drug squad." 

Inspector Smith, who'd apparently been dozing in one of the armchairs, lifted the hat that had been covering his face. "Any particular reason, Sergeant?" 

"What all those stuffed animals are stuffed with is class A drugs. And I strongly suspect some of the high grade psychotropics have leaked into the water supply." 

"Yes." The Inspector replaced his hat. "To be fair, the reports of monsters with glowing eyes roaming the ship were something of a clue there."


	29. Urban Fantasy

"I wouldn't do that if I were —" Romana began. 

The lead gunman fired. Romana collapsed to the ground; the three amateur demon-hunters stepped over her broken body without a second glance and advanced on the Doctor. 

"Hands up," the leader said. 

"You shouldn't have done that," the Doctor said. 

"'Course I should. She was an Othersider. That's all they're fit for. Bounty's good, too." 

The Doctor shook his head. "That isn't what I meant." 

"What he meant," Romana's voice added coldly from behind them, "was that if you want to kill a werewolf, you have to use silver shot."


	30. Harem

"Hello," the Doctor said, stepping through the gauze curtains into the seraglio. "How are we all today?" 

Romana I gestured at a towering heap of purple spheroids. "I've been peeling grapes all day. Has anyone worked out who wants them yet?" 

"Not a clue," Romana II said. 

"More research seems to be needed," Romana III concluded. 

Romana I tossed a bunch of grapes to her. "You can start with these." 

Romana II scratched her head. "I can't help thinking we've all missed something important. What's a harem for, anyway?" 

"Let me know if you work it out," the Doctor said.


	31. [Seven and Ace] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TheBigCat prompted for Seven / Ace.

The hills shook, and billowing clouds of dust burst from the mine entrance. Presently, three dusty, coughing figures emerged.

"Ace," one of them said. "I thought I'd talked to you about cutting fuses before."

"You should've told me about Laughing Cloud, then. If I'd known Ferris had her..."

"Then you'd have gone running off to save her and fallen straight into his trap."

Laughing Cloud held up her hands. "Enough. Will you come back to our camp?"

"Better than the town," Ace said.

"Yes," her partner added. "The sheriff might want to ask where you 'borrowed' all that dynamite from."


	32. Cyberpunk

There was a nude woman in Ace's bed. Not, in itself, an unusual phenomenon, but this one was lying motionless, a cable running from the back of her neck to the wall.

"Will she be OK?" Ace asked, looking up at the Professor.

He checked a readout. "She'll be fully charged in a few hours. That's when things get dangerous."

"Don't see how."

"Ace, she's a replicant, even if she doesn't know it herself. We don't know what activates her programming... or what she might do when it does."

Ace grinned. "Don't worry, Professor. I'm nobody's heap of scrap iron."


	33. Shapeshifters

"Silver!" Ace jumped back, a red weal on her hand where she'd brushed against the bullet.

"Ace?" Shou Yuing was beside her, concern on her face. "Ace, what's wrong?"

Ace looked at her feet. "I met this werewolf," she said. "Mags. We were... together."

"And she bit you?"

"I knew she was a werewolf. We thought we could handle it... Turned out we couldn't." She looked up, defiance in her eyes. "I'd do it all again. But those bullets. That means someone here knows what I am."

"You'd better keep your head down, then."

Ace set her jaw. "No chance."


	34. Pirates

"A stowaway!" Captain Glitz proclaimed. "Shiver me timbers, and I know her, too! Barmaid from the _Admiral Richmond_ , aren't you?"

"Not any more," the wench replied sulkily.

Doctor Smith gave her a sympathetic look. "What happened?"

"Spilt a pint over that duchess with all the feathers, didn't I?" She met the Doctor's eye, and her mouth twitched. "Three times."

"And so you decided to follow us." He patted his pocket. "Doubtless because you overheard us discussing this map."

"You'll have to work your passage," Glitz said. "What are you good at? Scrubbing decks?"

She shook her head decisively. "Nah. Explosions."


	35. ... In SPACE!!

The _Melody Pond_ wasn't the sort of gleaming cruiser that Ace associated with Starfleet. From the outside, at least, it looked like a workaday freighter, patched together, rusty, and entirely beneath notice. The inside told a different story.

"Didn't think Section 31 took passengers," she said, as the hatch closed behind her.

Captain Smith smiled. "We don't. But we do take recruits."

"Hang on! Did you know who I was all along?"

"Leading Cadet McShane. Expelled from the Academy for persistent insubordination— not to mention blowing up the astrodome. Oh yes. We've had our eyes on you for a while."


	36. Born Another Gender

"Don't I know you?" Sergeant Paterson asked.

Ace shook his head. "No."

"Theo McShane, that's right. The police let you off with a caution." He prodded Ace in the chest. "You need to keep out of trouble, lad. Self defence, that's the way. Keep you on the straight and narrow."

"Nasty case of testosterone poisoning," the Doctor said, as they watched the Sergeant pedal away.

Ace kicked at a discarded beer can. "That was out of order. _Straight_ and narrow. He said that on purpose. Maybe he saw me with Manesh, that night. Those skinheads... he'd have cheered them on."


	37. Schoolfic

"I'd almost given up on you," Professor Smith said, as Dorothy McShane slunk into his lab. He looked her up and down, noting her bleeding knuckles and muddied clothes. "Have you been fighting again?"

"No!"

"Who was it?"

"Gwendoline. She called me... never mind what it was." Dorothy brightened up. "She said sorry. I made her."

The Professor sighed. "The purpose of these afterschool sessions is to rrrehabilitate you. Not give you an opportunity to hang around the premises indulging in fisticuffs."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry."

"Very well, then. Now, shall we resume our investigation of the properties of nitrocellulose?"


	38. Police/Firefighters

"It's not like it is on the telly," WPC McShane said, as they strolled together down Perivale High Street.

"No sudden flashes of deductive brilliance?" the Inspector suggested.

"No car chases or gunfights. Well, except last Wednesday, but that didn't really count."

"Are you having second thoughts about joining the Force?"

McShane shook her head. "Nah. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have got to arrest my old headmaster. All those times in his office and I never knew he was helping himself to the petty cash. You should've seen his face when I nicked him."

He smiled. "I saw yours."


	39. Urban Fantasy

"Ace," the Doctor said, looking around her chaotic flat, "what happened to all that Nitro Nine you were making?"

"You said to get rid of it," Ace replied. "So I got rid of it."

"How?"

"Sold it."

"Who to?"

"Some bloke."

The Doctor gave her a searching look. "What sort of 'bloke', exactly?"

"He had a stupid green jacket. And pointy white hair."

"Ace! You should know better than to make bargains with the Fair Folk. You know what fairy gold turns into in the morning."

Ace shrugged. "Then he'll find out what Nitro Nine turns into in the morning."


	40. Harem

"Ace! Ace!" Susan Q rushed up to Ace the moment she came in. "I bought you some chocolates! The ones you like with the gooey fondant centres!"

"Exploding perfume!" Shou Yuing squealed, elbowing Susan to one side.

"Tickets for Laser Quest!" Mel shrieked.

"Dead mice!" Karra proclaimed, her tail twitching with pride. "Mrow!"

Gwendoline brandished a cobwebbed bottle. "Sensuous lotion. From Java!"

"This video's called 'Emma and Explosions.'" Mags was jumping up and down for fear of being overlooked. "It's just come out!"

"Gordon Bennett," Ace said, surveying her housemates. "Is it going to be like this every Valentine's Day?"


	41. [Charles Prentiss] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daibhid_c prompted for none other than Charles Prentiss. Writing the drabbles, I found him generally inseperable from Martin McCabe.

"Come to America, you said. The land of opportunity, you said."

"Martin, I know what I said."

"We specialise in government media relations. Out here the media's one local newspaper and the government's a fat drunkard who doesn't even keep decent claret. So far our only clients have been criminals asking for more flattering 'wanted: dead or alive' posters."

"On the contrary, Martin. The state governor will be visiting us tomorrow."

"What does he want?"

"Slogans for his policy of genocide against the native tribes. Apparently 'The only good Indian is a dead Indian' isn't quite cutting it any more."


	42. Cyberpunk

"And you were thinking of using these posters?" Prentiss asked.

"Sure, why not?" The publicity director of GenaCorp pointed at the screen with his cigar. "Works great in the Productivity Belts."

"'GenaCorp: We own your ass.' I think the message may need tweaking for the BritZone audience."

"At the moment, it gives the message 'Not only are we an evil oppressive corporation, we're an illiterate oppressive corporation,'" McCabe added. "It should read 'GenaCorp: We own your _arse_.'"

"So you'd go with that, huh?"

Prentiss shook his head. "Here's my suggestion. 'GenaCorp: You're our greatest assets.'"

"I _see._ Nice picture, too."


	43. Shapeshifters

"I think," Charles Prentiss announced thoughtfully, "we may be looking at our first London Mayor from the werewolf community."

"Really, Charles, don't be absurd."

"You need only consider the alternatives."

McCabe did so. "Well, yes, point taken. But a werewolf! They rip people's throats out!"

"He can deliver a speech as it's written without inserting random attacks on foreigners," Prentiss countered. "Nor has he proposed melting the Queen down for scrap. What do you think, Sandy?"

"Could he rip the throat out of that tosser who presents _Double or Shove_?" Sandy mused. "I'd vote for anyone who could do that."


	44. Pirates

McCabe pushed his periwig back. "Face it, Charles, it'll take more than a wheeze to rescue Avery's reputation. The man deserted from the Navy and set up as a pirate. The public won't forgive that."

"Oh, they will, just as soon as they read this pamphlet."

"Is that supposed to be Avery on the cover? It doesn't look anything like him."

"No. But imagine you were a young, impressionable girl, Martin. And you associate the word 'pirate' with a man like this? That woodcut will be on every woman's bedroom wall."

"It'll never catch on."

"In due course, it will."


	45. ... In SPACE!!

"Yes, I see." Prentiss dropped the proofs into the memory hole and fastidiously wiped his fingers. "Not quite the image you'd want to project for a gubernatorial campaign. Who came up with those?"

"Steed and Partners," McCabe said. "Don't hear a lot from them, these days. Wonder what happened to them?"

"Tush, Martin, we have no time for such irrelevancies. For now, this account is our foremost concern."

"I should just say it is. Have you seen the penalty clauses? We'd just better not fail."

"And we shall not. With our skills at her disposal, Commissioner Sleer's victory is certain."


	46. Born Another Gender

"Fancy a drink at my club?" Martin suggested. "They admit women now, you know."

Carla Prentiss nodded. "I know. I've been following the story. The final vote was close, wasn't it?"

"Nearly came down to the Secretary's casting vote. If there hadn't been that nasty outbreak of food poisoning the night before... d'you know there was even talk of sabotage?"

"Really, Martin. That seems to be taking paranoia a little far. Ah, Sandy. Will you be all right to hold the fort while Martin and I go to his club for a drink?"

"Better not touch the cognac," Sandy muttered.


	47. Schoolfic

"I don't see how this is helping to get my General Science homework done," Sandy complained.

"No, but that's why I'm a prefect and you're a junior," Charles said. "Now, you know what to do?"

"Take the envelope. Put it in Mr Dixon's bag. Forget all about it."

Charles beamed at her. "Exactly correct."

⁂

"Charles," Martin said at lunch. "Have you heard the news? Mr Dixon's been fired! They said he was trying to fix the junior rugby tournament. Brown envelopes of cash under the changing room doors and everything."

Charles drained his diet Coke. "Really, Martin? You astound me."


	48. Police/Firefighters

"Archie," Charles Prentiss said, looking around the panelled room. "I really don't see why you're getting so worked up. One careless mistake and the whole place will go up like tinder."

"You're _sure?_ " Archie hissed. "And the insurance company won't suspect?"

"Ah, so it's an insurance job?" Prentiss nodded sagely. "Then the important thing is to keep it simple."

"So petrol..."

"Petrol? Insurance detectives can sniff the stuff out like bloodhounds. No, Archie, all that's needed is a carefully positioned bottle of water. Complete plausible deniability."

"You'll receive the usual retainer."

"For this advice I haven't given you. Of course."


	49. Urban Fantasy

"You two look almost fit," Gayle Shand said. "That diet plan you're advertising— don't tell me you're actually on it?"

" _Le patron mange ici,_ " Charles said. "Or rather, he doesn't. Eat here, that is. Our nutritional intake is strictly controlled."

"No pain, no gain," Martin added cheerfully.

Gayle gave them a puzzled look. "You're not usually like this. You wouldn't be seen dead saying nice things about your clients when they're not around. Well, if you're not eating, how about a drink? I know you can't keep Martin away from claret."

Charles shook his head. "We no longer drink... wine."


	50. Harem

McCabe drained his claret. "Face it, Charles, the public simply aren't interested in kiss and tell these days. Wicksley could have kept a dozen mistresses in a private harem and it wouldn't get more than two minutes on regional news."

"Do you know, Martin, I believe you've just given me an idea for a wheeze. Get hold of as many of Wicksley's mistresses as you can—" Prentiss snapped his fingers at the waiter. " Morris, who's producing _Big Brother_ these days?"

"Mau _rice_ , monsieur."

"Morris, some for mighty destiny are made, others dig allotments with a broken spade. Dig my allotment, Morris."


	51. [Jamie / Samantha] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No-one asked for Jamie/Sam, but I did a set anyway for my own amusement.

"Ah, there you are," Sheriff Crossland said, as Jamie and Samantha stumbled down the stairs. "You OK this morning?"

"Didn't get much sleep," Samantha said, with an ostentatious yawn.

"Well, I reckon it'll be a busy day today. We'll be quartering the badlands near Tyler's Peak for your brother, miss. You'll be coming?"

"Of course."

"I'll just go get the horses ready, then."

Left alone with Jamie, Samantha nudged him. "Not having second thoughts about last night, are you?"

Jamie shook his head. "It's just... that bit when you were talking about a 'cowgirl'. I didnae ken you meant _that_."


	52. Cyberpunk

Jean's face was pallid in the green light of her VDU. "If half of this is accurate, we've stumbled across the biggest identity theft conspiracy I've ever seen! And Blade Holdings are right in the middle of it!"

"So does that mean my brother..." Samantha didn't dare finish the sentence.

"If he's still alive, Blade's got him."

"Right. Where's this Blade hang out?"

"Now just a minute," Jamie said. "Don't you go trying anything dangerous. We should ask—"

Samantha turned a look on him that would have melted steel. "You do what you like," she said. " _I'm_ going after Blade."


	53. Shapeshifters

"How do I know you're the real Jamie?" Samantha asked, closing the door of her hotel room behind them.

"You can tell by the way I talk, can't I?" Jamie said.

Samantha looked unconvinced. "Maybe."

"Aye, and I'm not wearing one of those armbands."

"What if it's under your clothes?" She began to unbutton his shirt. "Safest if we make sure, right?"

"Just a minute," Jamie said, trying to back away. "How do I know _you're_ not one of those Chameleons?"

"You don't. Unless you take my clothes off me, too." Samantha grinned. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"


	54. Pirates

The door of Captain Blade's cabin shuddered under another heavy blow, then burst open. His cutlass at the ready, Jamie advanced on the grim pirate.

"You keep your hands off Miss Briggs!" Jamie demanded.

"Or what?" The grim pirate retrieved his own cutlass. "You'll be nothing but food for sharks, boy, by the time I'm done with—"

He broke off as Samantha flung her discarded dress over his head. Before he could wriggle out of it, the hilt of Jamie's cutlass had knocked him unconscious.

Though they clearly had to escape at once, Samantha insisted on one passionate kiss first.


	55. ... In SPACE!!

"You OK?" Samantha called down. Or up. Or sideways; in these weightless conditions, it was purely a matter of choice.

"I'm still a wee bit giddy." Jamie clung onto the handrail for dear life. "Can't you feel it?"

"I think it's fab!" Samantha did a midair twirl. "Hey, you know what, Jamie?"

"What?"

"I should've worn trousers, shouldn't I?" She tried to push her miniskirt down, to no avail.

"Well, I told you—" Jamie broke off in horror as the realisation struck him. "My kilt! Sam, you can see..."

"Everything." Samantha flashed him a grin. "Not that I'm complaining, chuck."


	56. Born Another Gender

"Look, no offence, love," Sam Briggs said. "But looking round that hangar... it's a bloke's job. You do what the Doctor said. Stay here and keep out of trouble."

He departed, leaving Janet quietly fuming.

"Loudmouthed borrach," she muttered to herself. "Serve him right if he goes there and they do catch him."

And while, in Janet's view, Sam's confidence could certainly deserve to be taken down a few notches, she decided he didn't deserve whatever Chameleon Tours did to trespassers. Not if she had anything to say about it, anyway.

Within five minutes, she had arrived at the hangar.


	57. Schoolfic

Jean Rock looked up to where her classmate was precariously balanced on the top of the lockers. On tiptoe, Samantha could just about reach the ventilator. It appeared her efforts had not been in vain; her stretching hands closed on something.

"Got 'em!" Samantha triumphantly proclaimed.

"Good," Jean said. "Now get down before that sneak Michelle sees us. What were they doing up there?"

Samantha shrugged. "Ask Jamie. It's his idea of a joke."

"Each to her own," Jean said, helping Samantha down. "But I wouldn't go out with a boy who kept hiding my exercise books in strange places."


	58. Police/Firefighters

"Well, can't you just unlock them?" Samantha demanded.

"No! We keep the key down at the station." PC McCrimmon gave her an exasperated look. "What did you want to go mucking about with my handcuffs for, anyway?"

Samantha pouted. "Thought we could have some fun. That's all."

"I'm supposed to be looking for your brother. The Superintendent'll have me on the carpet when he finds out about this."

"Oh." With her hands restrained Samantha looked worryingly demure. "Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. You'd better have me on the carpet first. Know what I mean?"


	59. Urban Fantasy

"Silver bullets for werewolves," Jamie said. "And here's thunderbolt iron shot for fairies, stakes for vampires, and a mithril bazooka for Balrogs."

"Blimey," Samantha said. "You get a lot of them round here?"

"Maybe not the Balrogs so much." Jamie attempted to project an urbane air. "But the Doctor and I've seen a few things in our time. I'm not saying they're all bad, but one or two..."

Samantha surveyed the carefully organised armoury. "D'you have anything that stops a gobby Scouse bird who's got ideas about snogging you?"

"I don't think so. Why, d'ye think that might be a—"


	60. Harem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Samantha coined the phrase "[Jamie's Angels](http://archiveofourown.org/series/6106)" while comparing the fic she was in to a harem anime, it was fairly obvious what sort of story this would have to be.

"Are you supposed to be Julius Caesar?" Zoë asked, with her usual keen grasp of history.

"Blockhead," Isobel said casually. "That's a Charles II costume."

"There's a Nell Gwyn one comes with it," Jamie said. "I wondered if one of you wanted..."

"I couldn't possibly," Victoria said. "Dressing as an actress? Of infamously loose morals? That would never do."

"You don't fancy the rôle?" Gia asked Samantha. "Chirpy city girl who gets to kiss the king? You'd normally jump at something like that."

Samantha shook her head firmly. "I'm not going near him while he's wearing that horrible false moustache."


	61. [Six and Peri] Wild West

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ShyWhovian](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=23047) asked for a Six and Peri set.

"I still think you should've dressed as a prospector," Peri said. 

"What, with a beard? Like old Yrcanos?" Her travelling companion shook his head decisively. "That isn't me at all." 

"It's just you look a bit conspicuous in that gear..." 

"Conspicuous? Conspicuous? _Conspicuous?_ My dear Miss Brown, it would be futile to hide my light under a bushel. We shall confront your villainous stepfather with..." He switched to what Peri supposed he thought a Texas accent sounded like. "With Wild Jake Greely, here to clean up the town of New Seville!" 

Peri facepalmed. "Don't do that," she said. "Just... _don't_."


	62. Cyberpunk

The green letters raced across the screen. 

~WHERE AM I? 

The Doctor took a deep breath, and began to type. 

~CROZIER UPLOADED YOUR MIND TO THE VALEYARDGROUP MAINFRAME. 

~CAN YOU GET ME OUT AGAIN? 

There was a pause, during which the Doctor reached for the keyboard several times, and each time drew back. 

~I GET IT. 

~PERI, I'M SORRY 

Before he could complete the sentence, more letters appeared. 

~JUST SAY WHAT YOU NEED. 

The Doctor squared his shoulders. 

~KIV'S PRIVATE KEYSTORE. 

Presently, the terminal's external storage unit gave a beep. 

~HERE YOU GO. 

Another pause. 

~BYE DOC. IT'S BEEN FUN.


	63. Shapeshifters

The Doctor waded out into the sea, and caught hold of the struggling swimmer as she surfaced for the second time. Carrying her in his arms, he staggered back to the shore, laid her down on a rock, and waited while she coughed up seawater. 

"Are you all right, Peri?" he asked, once she seemed back to normal. 

She looked up at him. "I guess so. Thanks for saving me." 

The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder. "What went wrong?" 

Peri wiggled her tail. "Turns out, changing into a mermaid doesn't actually make you any better of a swimmer."


	64. Pirates

Peri felt her way through the humid, moonless, starless night, her heart in her mouth. Tonight was her last chance for escape. Tomorrow her stepfather would pack her off back to Boston and an arranged marriage. 

By the time she reached the quay, the boat she'd spotted earlier had already cast off. In desperation, she pulled off her dress, swam after the boat, and was hauled aboard by its occupant. 

"Are... are you a pirate?" she asked, looking up at the burly blond bosun. 

"I?" He raised his eyebrows. "I, young lady, am the very model of a Gallifreyan buccaneer."


	65. ... In SPACE!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An episode tag for _Slipback_.

" _This_ is the biggest library you can find?" Peri asked, looking dubiously at the tablet computer in her hand. 

"Just because it looks small on the outside, doesn't mean there isn't a lot in it. Travelling in the TARDIS, you should know that." 

Peri gave the tablet a suspicious prod. It chirped and began to speak. 

"Creation of the Universe," it said, in a quiet measured voice. "Current scientific consensus is that the Universe was sneezed out of the nose of the Great Green Arkleseizure..." 

"Well, the Guide is the _largest_ library," the Doctor admitted. "I didn't say 'most accurate.'"


	66. Born Another Gender

"Do I have to wear this thing?" Perseus Brown demanded, emerging from the TARDIS in a lurid blue overcoat. "It itches." 

"I've told you before about local customs, Percy," the Doctor said. 

"Yeah, I know I've gotta wear blue. But that doesn't mean I need a coat. I could just wear—" 

"Percy, Tranquil Repose is devoted to dealing with the lately departed and their relatives," the Doctor said patiently. "It really wouldn't be appropriate to show up in a tight T-shirt and lycra shorts. Everything swinging about like Linford Christie," she added, _sotto voce_. "That'd put anyone off their lunch."


	67. Schoolfic

"Aha!" Colin proclaimed. "Kate Usher and Tony Masters, red handed! Peri, you keep an eye on them. Make sure they don't try anything while I go and find the headmaster." 

Almost as soon as Colin had left, Kate doubled over, coughing. 

"What..." Peri began. 

"It's her asthma!" Tony said urgently. "She needs her inhaler. It's in her locker." 

"OK, I'll get it. Give me the key." Peri caught the key that Kate tossed her, crossed to the locker, opened it— 

—And realised, as she was shoved into the locker and the door slammed on her, that she'd been fooled again.


	68. Police/Firefighters

"I thought we'd never get away," Constable Brown said, as they finally stepped out of the Varos Theme Park. 

Inspector Smith gave her a worried look. "I know this hasn't been an easy case for you, Constable. You can get into all sorts of trouble when you go undercover." 

"In that shirt and trousers, I'm surprised you can go undercover at all," Brown replied. "They must see you coming from miles off." 

"If nothing worse, surely it's physically tiring?" 

"That's true," Constable Brown said, lifting the head off her duck costume. "You won't believe how hot it gets in here."


	69. Urban Fantasy

"What's this?" The Doctor stared in horror at Peri's heaped plate. "Bacon? Sausages? _Black pudding?_ Peri, how many times have I told you that meat is murder?" 

"Yeah, I know." Peri looked down at her plate, not willing to meet his eyes. "Look, this probably isn't a good time to say it. But... I've got to." 

"Got to?" the Doctor repeated. "Why?" 

Finally, Peri looked up. "Remember Tranquil Repose? When Davros was turning all the bodies into vampires?" 

"Of course. I put a stop to that nonsense!" 

Peri opened her mouth, revealing pointed fangs. "But just too late for me."


	70. Harem

Tablibik stepped over the threshold— 

—and found himself firmly caught and held. 

"Another one?" the Doctor asked. 

Peri, suddenly not in the least tipsy, nodded. "Just like Sharaz Jek and Jobel and the rest of them." She pointed at Tablibik. "Rohypnol in my drink." 

"How impolite." The Doctor frog-marched Tablibik across to where an open door gaped. "Welcome to Peri's House of Pleasure, young man." 

The youth squirmed in the Doctor's iron grip. "Why's it called that?" 

"Because you're inside it," Peri said. She watched as the door slammed on Tablibik, with a sound of innumerable bolts. "And I'm not."


End file.
